About ten years ago, I was a part of a group of people who
were licking their wounds after being severely tossed about and out by the
church. We were an angry, hurt lot that did a lot of encouraging and a little
bickering as we worked through our issues. As that group dissolved, my
dissolution with the church froze into a bitterness I would carry around for a
long time.
As my bitterness was slowly dissolved by the love of God I
found myself starting life over again. A new state, new friends and, oddly enough,
another group of people who are where I was ten years ago. Hurt, confused, and
tender-hearted towards others who are hurt and confused. All of us bound
together and reliant on the unremitting, undeserved kindness of God.
The Dizziness of
Freedom
I’ve found that going through this time in my life was much
like my late teenage years. There were times when you realized you could think
for yourself, do things that were considered taboo and find that the world
didn’t end, and basically breath without the help of the organization that you
had considered indispensible for so many years.
Also like one’s teenage years, there is a lot of emotion in
psychological healing. It seems that almost every act of freedom comes with an
equal and opposite dose of anger at recalling the chains you were bound to for
so many years. Every time someone in a place of spiritual leadership says
something even close to that awful message of bondage, you find yourself shrinking
back, welling up with anger and frustration.
Healing and the Occasional
Snake Oil Salesman
It can be a lonely place. It can also be a confusing one as
those who haven’t gone through what you have, yet believe the message of God’s
love, find it difficult to understand your anger. Some people who have never
gone through a bad church experience find it almost impossible to relate.
Sometimes, these kind but clueless family members make you doubt your sanity. Maybe you’re just overreacting. Maybe you’re
universalizing one bad experience.
But it does get better. Like all wounds, it heals. And like
all illnesses, everyone thinks they have a quick cure. Kindly nod at their
impatience and keep trusting God’s Spirit. Know that there will be kicking and
screaming, angry takedowns of angry people, honesty that’s so raw it hurts to
hear, simply because the voice that was muted finally realizes it can speak
without the former consequences. Expecting perfection in yourself or others
that are healing is a pointless endeavor. But we’ll still expect it because of
our deep seated neurotic need to be and see perfection in all Christians.
Allow yourself to be human. Allow others to hurt and feel and
cry and scream. Allow them their anger and don’t to lecture them out of their
bitterness. It’s a wretched place that mistrusts everyone, including God, but
you can’t fix it by yelling for us to stop. Love, that’s what we need. The
patience and understanding of love is the only thing that will quiet our hearts
and eventually see us to the shore from the raging waters of bitterness. Be
patient, with yourself and with others. Trust the Spirit to work forgiveness and healing in you (even when you don't want it) and know that
even the biggest mistake is not fatal in God’s economy.
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