I struggle a lot with my faith. Not so much belief—although
I do have those struggles too—but how I present it. I sincerely feel as though
a lot of Christians are presenting some important ideas about the character of
God in horrible ways.
They’re not heretics or anything, but…
…What the church at
large is teaching about God is often heterodoxy (that’s just a fancy word for
wrong.) So, I have a lot of trouble identifying as a ‘Christian.’
It’s not because I’m ashamed of God. I’m ashamed of how God
is perceived. Even though not even most Christians are like this, I’m ashamed
of being grouped with the loudest, most hateful, angry group who are known more
for what they are against than Who they are actually for. I wish not to be
dismissed out of hand simply because of a title. So, it makes it difficult for
me to categorize myself.
I’m surely not going to stop following God because some of
those who call themselves Christians are making us all seem like uninformed,
uneducated mental dwarves. I mean, if cheese got a bad rap I most certainly
would not stop eating delicious, delicious cheese. And my faith is far more
vital to me than congealed dairy products. (Delicious, delicious congealed
dairy products.)
It’s difficult to be honest about my struggles because
people want to beat you up for being human. They want to say you don’t have
enough faith or that you aren’t mature in the faith, with the insinuation being
that they are. But that’s okay. I want my faith to be clear and unsullied by
all that stuff. I want to separate myself from their dogma while still
acknowledging them as my family. My well-meaning family who are, in their own
way, trying to live out their faith.
I guess I just wish to be authentic. I’ve been hungry to be
that for a lot of years. I’ve worn a lot of masks over time. But I’ve gotten
better. I don’t have it all together. I know that I’m not any better than those
Christians who are misrepresenting God as a heartless tyrant who only wants you
to toe the line. I’m just as neurotic as anybody else, Christian or not.
And I think that’s the point.
We think we’re somehow better than the rest of the world
because we follow Jesus. Or that we’re somehow better than other Christians
because we follow Jesus better. We’re not, and that’s the whole idea. We are,
as someone has said, just beggars telling other beggars where we found bread.
We’re the broken, telling the broken that there is a Great Physician. So, to
anyone who made you think God was an animal, I’m sorry. To anyone that I’ve
ever misrepresented God to, I’m sorry too. The truth is that God accepts all of
us just where we are. If you’re going to change, it won’t be you, ultimately
who does the changing, it will be Him. But, if you belong to Him, if you never change, he won't accept you any less as His child.
The truth is: you are loved. Period.
If you don’t believe me (and I don’t blame you if you
don’t), ask God. Sincerely. If He’s not there, He won’t answer. Simple enough. But
if He is, and you genuinely seek Him, it will be the most important thing you
ever do.
Just one Christian’s advice.
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